"It's not news - It's CNN" is so totally accurate
I'm not sure how many of you were paying attention to the whole "OMG! We found a Bigfoot!" media orgy that happened last week, but it's something that you should have been watching, and here's why.
It was being portrayed as news.
Here's what happened. A couple of redneck morons claimed that they found a Bigfoot carcass so they tossed that son-of-a-bitch in a freezer trunk and started calling Bigfoot enthusiasts and news agencies. Now, if you're thinking that this is where the story ends, you're sadly mistaken. Some company - I think it's called Search For Bigfoot Inc. - bought the rights to show the body to the media sight unseen and started all sorts of noise that resulted in a press conference where photos were shown, and alleged hair samples from the rotting meat in the freezer were to be DNA tested.
CNN covered this. Days before the press conference, it was mentioned all over their web site and cable news channels. The day of the press conference, they were there. Live.
Here's where it get's interesting.
It was, of course, a fake. It was a bigfoot costume that these guys tossed in the freezer, and the DNA from the samples provided were human and opossum (not mixed... there were two hairs submitted: one was human, the other was a 96% match for opossum). The guys that sold the rights to We're A Bunch Of Fucking Morons With Too Much Time and Money Inc. vanished with the money.
And CNN covered that, too. On their front page. As the front page headline.
Let me say that again.
CNN's top fucking story - a story that they thought was more important than anything else going on in the world - was that the bigfoot "discovery" was fake.
OF COURSE IT WAS FUCKING FAKE YOU COLLECTIVE HEADS OF KNUCKLE!
WHY the fuck is that news? Isn't there anything else important you could have spent time telling us about? The war going on in Russia? The one in Iraq? The on in Afganistan? The one we're starting with Iran? Some Olympics crap? How Bush is a fucking nazi and how John McCain is an elderly elitist fuckwad who can't remember how many houses he owns, what kind of car he drives, or how much gasoline costs?
No, of course not. It's much more important to tell people what they should already fucking know.
CNN - you're worthless. I knew it before, but you just took time out of your busy schedule of lying to the American people to call us all raging idiots. And it seems like most of us are. I haven't seen any of the sort of backlash that should have ensued.
So, let me say this: If I ever run across anyone from CNN who decided that this was an actual story, I will kick you in the face as hard as I can for insulting my intelligence. And I mean it. It would just make me feel better to cause you physical pain.
You've earned it.