The True Shopping Experience
And so it begins.
The first videos of fights and tramplings during the 2005 Holiday Shopping Season. One woman in the second video is blaming Wal-Mart for not having sufficient security, so I'm sure the lawyers will be jumping all over this one.
But, I've gotta just take a second here and talk about what the real issue is, because - and this may shock some of you - it's not Wal-Mart's lack of security. It's the fact that humanity is slowly getting stupider and more savage every day of every year.
I can't begin to tell you why it's happening. I suppose it could be our primal urges reasserting themselves and terribly inopportune times. That seems to make the most sense. The problem here is that nobody wants to admit that human beings are really just dumb beasts. God forbid we take responsibility for our own actions, even if we don't totally understand them.
And so we're back to square one. Lawsuits will be filed by the hopelessly stupid - those who were trampled in line and (unfortunately) survived. The suits themselves will blame Wal-Mart for inadequate security because that's where the money is. Suing the morons who walked over other people won't do any good because fucking idiots typically don't have a huge cashflow. And thus, we'll get one step closer to the abolition of personal responsibility.
So, for those of you playing along at home, here's how we solve the problem.
- Give a gun and one bullet to everyone who is waiting in line at 4:30 in the morning to get into a store for their post-Thanksgiving day shopping. This will help thin the herd.
- Hire a team of sharpshooters to sit in the rafters of the store, and supply them with sniper rifles, laser-sights, and hand grenades. These snipers will eliminate the lead animal in any stampede.
- On the floor, there will be several patrolling units of 4 military personnel each with fully automatic weapons. These assault teams will have the ability to use deadly force if they decide they feel like it.
- Any shopper who is the slightest bit rude, loud, suspiscious, or overzealous will be shot and killed. The family members of particularly obnoxious shoppers will also be hunted and killed as a lesson to others.
After the initial wave of deaths, this should help keep the population calm, cool, and collected.